Trying to make sense of it all

Why?

2008-12-16T00:23:26+01:00

Why is it that people can be so nasty sometimes? Why do I 'let' them do things to me? Why have I no self respect or worth?

Why do I give away part of me in exchange for the company and a 'friendship' ?

How come my parents were the best people on this earth for God to give me to - as a baby? How does that work? When all they managed to do was mess up my head. I have a son now - I look at him and see such a lovely boy, a miracle...but how can I be the best Mum to raise him? Why give me any child God? I do not make a good Mum. I do not want to mess him up - I am so scared that I will. Doesnt every parent mess their kids up?

Why did I let people walk all over me? I know why - I was so very lonely and without friends or people to chat too. I wanted affection, friendship, company, people to know I was alive. All I seemed to get were men who wanted something off me. When I was so messed up I left, or our paths moved apart, they forgot about me - as though I was never there. But I have the scars, the heartache, pain and confusion. They are still with me - years later.

Yes my past has got me to where I am today - but it has been a horrible journey - and it isnt over yet. But did I really need to go through all that - and for so many long years?

I try to get though each day. Some days are good - the best since I can remember - but most days are hard and I have to try to remember the correct way of thinking. I have to try to remember all the years of counselling and what they taught me and showed me.

So many secrets, hidden, but not forgotten by me - never fotgotten. But no one sees the painful past and says you have done so well to get here. No one ever can. But I long to pass on what I have learnt - there has to be a reason for all this - something 'good' to come out of this.

I thought I was over so much. But clearly I am not. Seeing photos of people from my past - knowing they havent thought of me since I left. Knowing I was a piece of dirt to them. But longing for certain people to remember me fondly and want to get in touch again.

But is this wise? For either of us? Probably not. I have to accept facts that our paths will never cross again - and they never think of me or wonder what life has dished out for me.

I just don't want to be forgotten, to be the invisible one. But I know I am - I was - I always will be...and that makes me sad.

What does my life represent? Someone who was and still is highly messed up and in need of a life time of therapy/help.

If only I could travel back in time - try to understand - look back over the child hood I have never been able to remember. Try to make sense of it all.

Or maybe I would travel back to 2001 - to when I made the decision to choose once and for all life or death. I would tell myself to choose death. I cant choose it now as I have a little boy who needs me - who needs his Mum. But back then, I had no ties, no friends. It would have been easy.

Thats so sad - to wish I had chosen the path of death - after almost 9 years - life still doesnt seem to have become bearable - or even enjoyable.

Why cant I understand? Why is Mary Beth and SCC suffering so? I can't understand. What about Madeline? I pray whenever I remember her - oh Lord - where is she? Will she ever come home? What's your plan in all this???

why?
why?
why???????????????

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thorns

2008-10-05T22:39:17+02:00

All they talk about at the moment is that we have the authority to pray for healing of the sick. They make out that we are either not praying correctly or do not believe properly.

But how can we be expected to get it right when God has a plan and He decides who to heal and who not too, when to heal them - instantly or in many years time or in heaven. And how much to heal them - totally or partically.

We can not make these decisions or change God's mind/agenda.
So we are bound to 'get it wrong'. This only sets us up for disappointment and hurt and sadness and unanswerable questions.

Why does it have to be so confusing? How many thorny branches to try to battle through each day? No matter how you try to work a route through the thorny branches, you will get cut and you will bleed.

There comes a point when you are covered in cuts and are bleeding and you cant see what is the other side of the branches - maybe there isnt anything anyway? Maybe there never was? What did you get told about the other side? Who said it? How do they know? Has anyone really seen the other side and come back to share it? I doubt it!! So why battle on? Why not just sit and take rest and decide this is as good as it gets and leave it at that???

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Why?

2008-05-01T17:13:03+02:00

Why are the good times so good and then the bad are so bad. Why, when I fall, do I fall so very far?

If I could go back in time and talk to myself. If I could go back 8 years - and tell myself what the future holds. If only. I would tell myself that it is not worth fighting for. Yes there are the odd moments of hope and love and joy. But they are just passing moments. Compared to the years of pain and darkness, I can't see an end, even now. The past was bleak and now maybe not quite so bleak. But it doesn't end. It will never end. But I have responsibities now. Back in the past I was free to end it. I should have tried harder. I should not have tried to fight. I should not have hoped in a better future.

I saw a quote today - "God's word is the truth".
Maybe in the past I believed that. but now I have come to see that for me, it might have an element of truth but it doesnt tell you about the other part of life - the struggles that seem to far out-weigh the good or the 'truth'.

I regret giving life a final try and for pushing onwards. I wish I had know what I know now and given up completely.

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Starting Place

2008-03-07T15:13:11+01:00

Sit here with me
And tell me your story,
Even if it breaks my heart,
Let me see your scars

I am sitting on the top of a mountain looking out across the world below. Hoping someone comes up along side me and asks to join me.

I want the chance to talk. To share my story, to ask the questions that no one can find an answer for, to be given the opportunity to discuss all the thoughts in my head. Even if we can not find solutions, it will mean the world to me to just have someone to see my scars, to listen, to sit for as long as it takes.

That is the reason for my blog.
Will you come and sit for a while?

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