Why is it that people can be so nasty sometimes? Why do I 'let' them do things to me? Why have I no self respect or worth?
Why do I give away part of me in exchange for the company and a 'friendship' ?
How come my parents were the best people on this earth for God to give me to - as a baby? How does that work? When all they managed to do was mess up my head. I have a son now - I look at him and see such a lovely boy, a miracle...but how can I be the best Mum to raise him? Why give me any child God? I do not make a good Mum. I do not want to mess him up - I am so scared that I will. Doesnt every parent mess their kids up?
Why did I let people walk all over me? I know why - I was so very lonely and without friends or people to chat too. I wanted affection, friendship, company, people to know I was alive. All I seemed to get were men who wanted something off me. When I was so messed up I left, or our paths moved apart, they forgot about me - as though I was never there. But I have the scars, the heartache, pain and confusion. They are still with me - years later.
Yes my past has got me to where I am today - but it has been a horrible journey - and it isnt over yet. But did I really need to go through all that - and for so many long years?
I try to get though each day. Some days are good - the best since I can remember - but most days are hard and I have to try to remember the correct way of thinking. I have to try to remember all the years of counselling and what they taught me and showed me.
So many secrets, hidden, but not forgotten by me - never fotgotten. But no one sees the painful past and says you have done so well to get here. No one ever can. But I long to pass on what I have learnt - there has to be a reason for all this - something 'good' to come out of this.
I thought I was over so much. But clearly I am not. Seeing photos of people from my past - knowing they havent thought of me since I left. Knowing I was a piece of dirt to them. But longing for certain people to remember me fondly and want to get in touch again.
But is this wise? For either of us? Probably not. I have to accept facts that our paths will never cross again - and they never think of me or wonder what life has dished out for me.
I just don't want to be forgotten, to be the invisible one. But I know I am - I was - I always will be...and that makes me sad.
What does my life represent? Someone who was and still is highly messed up and in need of a life time of therapy/help.
If only I could travel back in time - try to understand - look back over the child hood I have never been able to remember. Try to make sense of it all.
Or maybe I would travel back to 2001 - to when I made the decision to choose once and for all life or death. I would tell myself to choose death. I cant choose it now as I have a little boy who needs me - who needs his Mum. But back then, I had no ties, no friends. It would have been easy.
Thats so sad - to wish I had chosen the path of death - after almost 9 years - life still doesnt seem to have become bearable - or even enjoyable.
Why cant I understand? Why is Mary Beth and SCC suffering so? I can't understand. What about Madeline? I pray whenever I remember her - oh Lord - where is she? Will she ever come home? What's your plan in all this???
why?
why?
why???????????????